TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically recognized for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of position. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have another place in which American Adult males can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: supply Every person a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he ought to end utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague Trump Tower Damascus has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from Area, a function becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after locating the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not just ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting notice from international traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge the place my PTSD can have flip-down assistance."


Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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